I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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