you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
