i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
