after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
