There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
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I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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