I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
