I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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