I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
