I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
