Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
