My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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