And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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