Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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