I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
