Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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