your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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