why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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