I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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