The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
