I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my shit smells like andre
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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