Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
