i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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