girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
