i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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