birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
