two words: eviction party
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
