I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
