Tell her she can't have a vagina
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
