her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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