you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
