You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
