So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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