Someone shit on the floor
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
