I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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