ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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