hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
