She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
