wrigley field is MILF paradise
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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