bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
smell my finger.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
