I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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