i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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