I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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