I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
