You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
