I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
