were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
