i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
