You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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