went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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