The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
