The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
