There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
