just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize