all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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