you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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